Memories That Are Difficult

I recently viewed a blog about a family in China waiting to bring their new daughter home. The sweet little girl is in the hospital with a heart problem and the Dr's won't release her. They are struggling and fighting to get this child to the US for surgery.

This brought back memories of our failed adoption a little over 2 years ago. At times I still long for that little boy and fight back tears. I wonder where he is and how he is doing; is he loved enough, cared for. Does his mom realize how precious he is. We just wanted to give a child a loving, caring home. I am adopted (more on that later) and I so desired to adopt.

Ours was a domestic adoption, which probably was a mistake. You spend alot of money with absolutely no guarantee of adoption. You do not know if the agency you are working with has your best interest at heart or the child's. We went through months of anticipation, sending letters, travel to another state to have the birth mother change her mind the day before the delivery. Devastated doesn't even describe how we felt.

In hindsight we feel that the mother was using us to take care of her living expenses during the pregnancy. She never responded to our letters, which were numerous. We should have seen the red flags, but we didn't. We wanted to provide a loving home for this baby. The agency told us that the birth mother already had several children she wasn't parenting and had placed a child for adoption previously. It seemed like a good situation. Did we not hear from God?

I have tried to not spend time rethinking our decision to go with domestic adoption. Orginally we were going to do a foreign adoption. Guatamala actually. There seemed to be so many babies that needed a home and a family. Then we changed directions and went with an agency in our state. The woman that ran it seemed nice and helpful. In the end, not so.

After we lost our little boy, this woman from our agency called with another situation, telling us we were at the top of the list due to the failed adoption. This one closer to home, the mother visiting a church we knew of 2 hrs. from us, wanting to place her baby for adoption. We waited, she would call and give us 'updates'. Then we heard nothing. Later we discovered the owner of the agency had promised 'this baby' to 14 other couples. The baby didn't exist, as far as we know. Again, heart break and confusion.

We finally gave up, not knowing whether we missed God's will or what. We had spend so much money; we couldn't start over with another agency. We couldn't go forward with the one we were with either; she had deceived us. She could not be trusted. We began to question the failed adoption and whether there was deception there. But you have little recourse.

God has used the situation as a testimony to His grace and mercy. We did come through this without bitterness. We don't understand, but we trust His heart. Our children learned a lot during this time about love, selflessness, and disappointment. As I have ministered in song, I have related our story to others. I have spoke of God's peace during this very difficult time. I will never understand on this side of eternity why we went through what we did, but I choose to trust a loving Father, believing that there was a bigger picture we just couldn't see.