For Piper

Dear Piper,

The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, licking my plate does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. (remember, you have short legs)

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

(adapted)