Baby, it's cold outside...

but, somebody has had fun!

Crazy Saturday

Hannah had a wonderful day at the conference in Atlanta, but more about that later...

First, late last night Hannah decided to invite me along. I thought, "ok, she isn't a fan of Atlanta and it is her first conference, she wants her momma to go. More about that later...

Atlanta, A T L A N TA. I grew up in Atlanta, but not in this Atlanta! Everyone is rushing, oh, it is Christmas. Everyone blows their horn like there is some law requiring it. Everyone is driving a dadgum luxury car, in a hurry. Few people slow down to smile. I do not like the city, sorry, but I have been in the country for 10 years and there is just too much activity for this girl. BUT, I went for my sweet daughter.

My sweet daughter that wanted someone to drive home for her after the conference. That was her motivation, I didn't even see the inside of this $300.00+ a night hotel. Hear it was pretty though; has a marble staircase, I wouldn't know. :)

Anyway, her talk about food photography went great. Many people approached her and told her that they follow her on Twitter and her blog. One lady said, " your blog is charming and now I know why, you are charming". How sweet is that! She made a lot of good contacts and we praise God for the affirmations she received.

We stopped at Whole Foods on the way out to get some healthy food and headed north as fast as we could. I mean, we moved slowly in a northerly direction, never honking and smiling at everyone as we went!

My Heart's Desire

As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after thee
You alone are my hearts desire
And I long to worship thee

The season we have been in as been very strange and unsettling in some ways, in other ways, it has been intriguing. There are moments where I feel uncomfortable, but peace ultimately prevails.

As I have said in the past, I have always seen God's hand in my life, from the beginning of my life to the present. He has ordered my steps and directed my path. I know that has not changed; it is only in my lacking that I feel ill at ease. It is only through a lack of faith that His direction is not felt.

Church and worship have always been part of my life. I sang as a child, I attended a Christian school that I adored and went on to attend and graduate from a Christian college. I have taught Sunday School, Awana's, led youth, sang in choirs and solo, led woman's ministry, sang and directed a Praise team, and suffered through years of VBS :), etc. I say all this to say that being where I am and we are right now is difficult; to not feel connected or ministering within the church body.

I realize that God does provide us times of rest, and I probably needed a sabbatical more than I realized. Disengaging is sometimes necessary to gain perspective. I know I had lost some perspective from trying to work within my on strength, not the Lord's, to minister where there was no leadership. How futile, except that I refused for so long to accept it while my sweet husband waited patiently for the Lord to open my eyes.

So here I am, we are, seeking God's will for where He would have us plug in; and plugging in is our desire. Ministry is in our DNA, it is for all true believers; a need to reach out in God's name to comfort others, and worship and fellowship with other believers.

I know He is faithful and knows the desire of our hearts, and that of our children. I know that during this time I have been the one to be hesitant to jump back into church which probably prolonged my 'rest'. I wasn't running from God, just the junk I had experienced. He had to turn my heart back to seeing only Him, my heart's desire.

Thoughts

After my 'brush with mortality' last month I have begun to notice little things that are different. They have come to me in small, quite ways, which I believe is just my Savior gently showing me new insights into my reliance on Him.

As I had wrote in an earlier blog post, I did not have regrets to go over, things I wished I had done or anything left really unsaid. The entire time was one of peace, a divine peace. I didn't have to re-prioritize my life once I was discharged from the hospital. Haven't even made a bucket list.

One thing that came just over the weekend was a softening of my heart toward the organized church. Those of you that know me, know I have been in church all of my life and have served as a lay leader most of my adult life. Ministering has always been apart of who I am until a year ago. After some very difficult incidents and situations, we found ourselves unchurched.

During the year prior to this, I had struggled with the organized church and its committees, controlling members and a lack of God's word being preached clearly and definitively.

I say all this to tell you that God has worked afresh in my heart. He has softened it again and I feel renewed. I don't know what He would have me do, but I am ready. I know this is an answer to prayer for my sweet husband.

As I wrote in the children's journals the other day the verse about how our days are already numbered and ordained came to me.(All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them ever came to pass Ps. 139:16.) It gave me pause to consider what I had gone through in October. I believe that God is sovereign, nothing in my life is by accident. What I experienced was just a physical thing, some may call it a 'brush with death'; I see it as an opportunity to be a witness before men. It wasn't my appointed time to die. It was just a thing; we are human and our flesh fails us.

I know that I will continue to get sweet tidbits from God here and there. I welcome the opportunity to share my story when led to show how incredible the God I serve truly is. We, as a family, still rejoice at how God's hand was on every part of that short journey from October 8 - 16; not just in the outcome, but in the people we met, the dr. I had, the caring Hannah experienced from strangers, the prayers that went up, the joy we experienced in the mist of a potential bad outcome.

So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgment of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word.
Hebrews 10:23

Enjoy life, it isn't a dress rehearsal...

What else do you do on a beautiful November day. Take the dog to the park and watch two of your children fence with sticks!!!

And if you haven't been over to Hannah's blog, go NOW! She has a recipe for some very tasty brownies and they are so easy to make.

Happy Weekend!!

Amazing Photos

Hannah took some amazing photos of a friends baby this past week and today had her first professional photo shoot in a city 2 hours away. We are so proud of her!

I can't show the photo shoot; but I can show the baby, so here is the precious little bundle.

God has given each of our children amazing gifts and nothing gives us more joy than to see them use those gifts.

Mother-Daughter Retreat

The girls and I had a wonderful, long weekend with my best friend and her oldest daughter who is Sarah's best buddy. It was a great time of fun and fellowship.

We rented a cabin outside of Pigeon Forge, TN, bought some groceries and prepared ourselves for a girls only time! And a girl's time is what we had.

We cooked, laughed, watched cooking shows, painted fingernails and did some outlet shopping. Yes, we are wild and crazy. Seriously, if you saw how many people were at the outlet stores, anybody had to be crazy to get in that mass of humanity!

Coming home we ran into a lot of snow on the top of the mountain. It was amazing and beautiful. The girls made a snowman and named him Herman. We all said it looked like Narnia with the snow on the evergreens; just magical.

I cannot endure to waste anything as precious as autumn sunshine by staying in the house. So I spend almost all the daylight hours in the open air.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne

These Two Guys...

they were very worried about me.

When I talked to Hayden and Sarah before I left for Erlanger, Hayden just dropped his head. I know he was trying to process everything while I worried that I would not see him again. Just 13, my baby, I didn't want to leave him without a mother.

I didn't even want to look at William, seriously, I was afraid I would fall apart. We had just celebrated 24 years of marriage on the 4th and here on October 8th, he could lose his wife. We have been through so much together, loss of a baby, loss of parents, Alzheimers, financial ups and downs, depression, etc., but this... this was so much bigger.

My guys did great and to see their faces Saturday morning did this momma and wife a world of good!

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.
Psalm 57:4

Time to Go Home!

Beginning on Wednesday, Hannah and I started asking about my Cumodin levels, praying that they would be up to where the Dr. wanted them. Slowly they began to climb, but not fast enough for me!

Wednesday was a tough day for both of us. Hannah had not been sleeping well and wanted me home. I was tired of laying in bed watching TV. We both were teary all day.

By Thursday I was more resolved, knowing that I did not need to leave without the right amount of blood thinner in me. I definitely did not want a repeat of Friday. The existing clot was begin taken care of by my body, but without blood thinner, it could start growing again.

Friday evening I found out that my levels were up, but I refused to get my hopes up until the Dr. came in a said I could go home. Saturday morning she came in and said those sweet words!

She told me that it had been a blessing to care for me and then gave everyone of us a big hug. I told her that she had been a blessing to us in so many ways.

The nurses were excited for us and came in to tell us bye. One in particular that had taken Hannah and I under her wing came in to give us a hug. We had developed some good friendships with these sweet women and they certainly made our stay more bearable. A lot of laughter flowed from my room during the week. God had sent dedicated nurses to watch over me.

A couple of things:

We still do not know why I experienced this massive clot. There is one genetic test we have not heard from. I did not have an injury, I had not been on a plane for hours, I had not been completely immobile for a length of time, I am not over 60, etc. I did have the symptoms though; difficulty breathing, chest pain on inspiration, rapid heart rate, and low blood oxygen saturation.

It is possible that the blood clot moved to my chest and began to grow slowly over the 2 weeks I was being treated for pneumonia. By the time it was detected it was very large and very dangerous. But we will never know for sure and I am ok with that.

I have seen God's hand every step of the way during this journey. I have felt His strength when I was weak. I have felt His peace when the world would say there should be no peace. I have felt His comfort in the mist of great discomfort. I have experienced sweet sleep because I had hope no matter the outcome.

God is our Refuge and Strength, a very present and well-proved help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you Isaiah 41:13

Be anxious about nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6, 7

When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet. Proverbs 3:24



Your right hand has held me up!

A Room With a View and Other Stuff

What a blessing to have a room with big windows! The natural light was amazing as was the view. From my bed I could see the Tennessee River and the mountains surrounding Chattanooga.

It was nice to get settled in a regular room where the family could come and visit without major restrictions. Hannah finally had a couch to sleep on, though it didn't look very comfortable.

Side note: Prior to this she had to find whatever was available in one of the ICU waiting rooms. One night a gentleman told her that he was going to find her a reclining chair as he had seen that she was by herself and had not been able to find a good place to sleep. She said that there were many people that were so nice to her over the week. A volunteer in the Ronald McDonald house sat and talked with her one evening. In the restroom a lady asked her if she was alright. My doctor would check on her and ask about her.

The nurses were in and out frequently to draw blood (should have counted how many times), to take vitals, to check IV bags, etc. We talked and joked with them. When one walked in the room, I went ahead and held my arm out!

I told one nurse that I was going to pull my heart leads off to just give them some excitement at the desk. I did get my IV tube kinked a couple of times and the alarms went off. (that was unintentional, I promise)

Hannah and I made sure to thank them for every thing they did. There were several very difficult patients on the floor and we felt bad for them. Every nurse and tech was so friendly and that made the stay so much more pleasant.

As each day passed we could relax a little more, knowing that the my chance of survival was now outweighing my chance of not surviving. Hannah and I did hit a wall on Wednesday; we were tired and just mentally worn out. Once over that hump, we lightened up and settled in for remainder of time, whatever that may be.

During the week I had several tests and blood work done. I didn't fit the age or circumstances to have a blood clot, so the doctors wanted to try to find out why. Right now, we are still not sure. ( I did nap well on the gurney while waiting for the tests, can't figure out why)

My Cumodin levels were rising slowly and they had to be therapeutic for me to leave since the clot had been so severe. I would have to remain on the Heparin drip until then. My doctor, the one we met in the ER, was so careful with my care and patient to answer any questions we had.

The week was long as Hannah and I watched TV and found the silliest things hilarious. Sorry, some things are just too personal to share! Just glad we didn't get kicked out!! Ok, one hint: just because it says you can clean with it, doesn't mean you should!

Next: Discharged with hugs!

Stronger

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. II Corinthians 12:9-10

His grace was and is sufficient for this young woman of faith.

I can not begin to describe the pain I saw in her face as the doctors spoke to us about the reality of my situation. I can not imagine how she felt as she saw her mother laying in a bed helpless. I can not grasp how alone she must have felt with no one there for her that first night while I lay in ICU.

What I do know and understand is that she found a strength that is not of this world to navigate her way. To take care of not only herself in a strange hospital, but to make sure I had what I needed. I know that she had to call on all she had been taught over the last 20 years to make it through those first 24 hours.

There were several that offered to come stay with me so she could go home and rest; wild horses couldn't have pulled her away. There was a determination in her eyes to see to my care; she wasn't leaving me.

There are no words to describe how much appreciate what she did day in and day out for me. She cared for my every need no matter how small or trivial. And goodness, let the Heparin bag get low and the girl was fit to be tied; that was life to me as far as she was concerned. She was going to make sure that ran uninterrupted!

Today she is stronger for having walked a difficult road. Today she knows that His strength is sufficient in her day of need.

She is Amazing

This young woman kept our home running and my guys fed while I was in the hospital. Sarah is an amazing organizer and 'lil momma'.

Sarah, thank you for stepping up at a very difficult time. It would have been easy to be frustrated at our separation or angry because your momma was so sick. Instead you rose to the occasion and did what had to be done. I missed you terribly, but was comforted knowing that you were taking care of things.

I love you so much.

ICU and God's peace

Once the heparin drip was in place, I was transferred to ICU where I would stay until the critical time passed. I realized that this meant limited visitation by family and me laying alone waiting to see if the embolism decided to break off kill me.

By now I was exhausted, but they wanted to place a second IV to draw blood from since they would be needing it frequently. That done, they allowed Hannah to come in and visit though it was very late. This was the first of many acts of kindness we would experience at Erlanger.

Hannah had to go find a chair in ICU waiting to get sleep. Truly on her own with her momma very sick, I saw a very strong young woman. I was so proud and so concerned for her; if anything happened to me, she was here by herself until William could get to the hospital.

Alone in the room, I felt God's peace. There was very brief moments of anxiety, but they passed quickly. I slept fairly well the rest of the night. God's peace truly passes all understanding. How in the mist of such a scary situation could I remain calm. If you had asked me before this happened, I would suspect that I would be crying and yelling, begging God to fix it. Instead, I felt all was in His plan and the outcome in His hands.

Being the only coherent patient in ICU, I got to know the nurses and they were so kind. When William, Sarah and Hayden got to the hospital Saturday morning they said we could visit longer than allowed. I was so excited to see them and for them to see me still breathing! They waited for each visiting time and I hear were first at the ICU door!!

My time in ICU was uneventful. I had no 'close calls' or tense moments other than getting wrapped up in all the wires and tubes! I got to know the nurses and waited for the next visiting time.

Everyone stayed in Chattanooga Saturday night anticipating mom passing the critical time and getting out of ICU. Sunday afternoon brought just!

The next blessing was the room where I would spend the next week. It, unlike the majority of the rooms, had three large windows that looked out onto the Tennessee River and the mountains surrounding Chattanooga. It also had a sofa for Hannah to sleep on.

Next: A week of laughter, healing and new friends

Saddle Pulmonary Embolism

After the CT the dr. came in to tell us he had found the problem, but with his heavy accent, it was difficult for us to understand the severity. We finally deduced that it was severe by several vague words he used, ie, 'usually', 'maybe'.

We were told that I would be transported to a larger hospital for treatment. Hannah instantly requested Erlanger in Chattanooga, not knowing what a perfect choice that would be.

I told William to go get Sarah and Hayden from home; I did not want to leave for Chattanooga without talking to them after realizing that I could die. When they arrived I had the first of several difficult conversations with my children. The Lord helped me remain calm and talk with them about the reality of the situation. We hugged and then I saw William's face. He was so scared and that broke my heart.

It was decided that Hannah would go with me and William would stay with Hayden and Sarah. The ambulance arrived quickly and after a large dose of Heparin, we were off. Hannah rode up front while I dozed in the back. I was and am amazed at how the Lord helped me remain calm.

(Later Hannah said the ambulance ride was horrible; I felt so bad for her figuring she was scared and he did drive fast. Then she told me the EMT in front was playing country music, which she hates!! )

We arrived at Erlanger and went directly to a room in the ER. Well, only after seeing a guy with blood all over him being bagged. Great, more trauma for my daughter. A young dr. came in and told Hannah that my condition had a high mortality rate. More trauma.

Then, once again God intervened and the dr. that would walk with us through my whole stay walked in. She was amazing. I told her that Hannah and I were having a serious conversation about the situation and that though it was very difficult, it was necessary as we were a family of faith. She said that she could tell and proceeded to remind Hannah who was really in control. Wow! God sent a fellow believer to encourage us!!!

It broke my heart to watch Hannah stand over me and sob. She understood God's sovereignty , but this was her momma. This was personal and seemed unfair. She worried about her brother and sister loosing their mom at a young age. She worried about all I took care of for them. I told her that if it was God's plan for me to go home to glory then He had a plan for them also; that they would find a new normal eventually. Good grief, that was hard to say; I didn't want them to have to find a new normal, I wanted to stay with them!

Next: to ICU, 24 hr watch and God's peace

What Happened??

Three weeks ago I went to the doctor after feeling short of breathe for several days. I had tried to carry on normal activity, but it wasn't possible. I was told I had pneumonia and given an antibiotic. There seemed to be some improvement, then a decline, so I returned and was given a stronger antibiotic.

Again, I improved, only to feel poorly again. By the third visit, last Thursday, I was having more difficulty breathing. and My PA ordered a chest x-ray before seeing me. She said it showed something, but they weren't sure what, so she wanted me to have a CT the following Monday. I fell apart in the office, I was so tired after almost 3 weeks of this. (at this point I am not driving at all and walking thirty feet requires me to stop and catch my breath)

In the mean time she threw everything at me to cover something respiratory. Nebulizer, inhaler, singulair, steroids, and oxygen. I went home with the orders to do nothing.

Friday began with the clarity that nothing was helping and I was getting worse. I couldn't walk five feet without loosing my breath. I didn't want to go into the weekend without talking to my PA to make sure she understood the difficulty I was having.

After the phone call and instructions to go to the ER, things began to move quickly...in a bad direction.

William was not home, so Hannah called him and told him that she was taking me to the ER and to meet us there. It took forever for me to get dressed because I would loose my breathe. Then I had trouble holding it together in the car because I was beginning to get concerned. Lord, I was a mess, sitting there crying, holding on to an oxygen tank w/ a tube up my nose.

My PA had called ahead and they were ready for us at the ER. I was immediately taken back and tests were started. A little later we were able to see how God orchestrated every step from the time we stepped into our ER.

Next: what the test revealed and a fast ride to Chattanooga

High Mortality Rate

Those are the words that came out of the doctor's mouth as he spoke to my 20 year old daughter...

Hannah stood in a strange ER with me laying on a gurney while the doctor told her the severity of my embolism. (later we termed it the 'mother of all embolisms") Medically it is called a saddle pulmonary embolism and it is very dangerous because it blocks the whole 'highway' to both lungs and it can damage the heart.

So, I had to have a very difficult discussion with her in case I were to die as my heart broke as she sobbed. Through God's grace I was able to remain calm during the whole ordeal.

I'll share the whole story soon.

She Is Published!!!

Hannah was asked a while back to be in a cookbook and today we received a copy!!! Soon they will be available on her site for purchase. It is called 'Foodies Of the World' and it has some amazing recipes in it; so check over at Honey & Jam for your copy.

You Go Girl!!!!!

October 1st

My handsome young man