Sunday, December 5, 2010

My Heart's Desire

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As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after thee
You alone are my hearts desire
And I long to worship thee

The season we have been in as been very strange and unsettling in some ways, in other ways, it has been intriguing. There are moments where I feel uncomfortable, but peace ultimately prevails.

As I have said in the past, I have always seen God's hand in my life, from the beginning of my life to the present. He has ordered my steps and directed my path. I know that has not changed; it is only in my lacking that I feel ill at ease. It is only through a lack of faith that His direction is not felt.

Church and worship have always been part of my life. I sang as a child, I attended a Christian school that I adored and went on to attend and graduate from a Christian college. I have taught Sunday School, Awana's, led youth, sang in choirs and solo, led woman's ministry, sang and directed a Praise team, and suffered through years of VBS :), etc. I say all this to say that being where I am and we are right now is difficult; to not feel connected or ministering within the church body.

I realize that God does provide us times of rest, and I probably needed a sabbatical more than I realized. Disengaging is sometimes necessary to gain perspective. I know I had lost some perspective from trying to work within my on strength, not the Lord's, to minister where there was no leadership. How futile, except that I refused for so long to accept it while my sweet husband waited patiently for the Lord to open my eyes.

So here I am, we are, seeking God's will for where He would have us plug in; and plugging in is our desire. Ministry is in our DNA, it is for all true believers; a need to reach out in God's name to comfort others, and worship and fellowship with other believers.

I know He is faithful and knows the desire of our hearts, and that of our children. I know that during this time I have been the one to be hesitant to jump back into church which probably prolonged my 'rest'. I wasn't running from God, just the junk I had experienced. He had to turn my heart back to seeing only Him, my heart's desire.